Fix Us
by Letheanlove
Summary: After discovering Leo's dark secret, Raphael doesn't know how to handle his own emotions. / Mentions of self harm. Feedback welcome.
1. fix us

**Quick note:**

**The point of this was to not say Raphael's view on the situation was correct, 'cause it isn't. The point was to explore Raph's reaction to such a discovery, as most fanfic I've read with similar subject hasn't really gone past the whole his getting angry over it. I felt like he needed more exploring on the matter because it almost didn't do him justice... so yeah. Here's more how I imagine his emotions to be. Which may or may not be correct. Everybody prefers their own version of a character, so whatevs.**

Fix Us

_It's not s'posed ta be this way, big brother._

_Sure, we get inta fights. But your Fearless. Splinter Junior. Why the hell wouldn't we? My blood's s'posed to boil. Heh, lemme teach you a thing or two about patience. I'm sure that's all the good I am._

_But… it's not my fault, is it?_

Raph's muscles tightened, veins straining beneath skin as he balled his hands into fists. Body shaking, breath coming in quick and sharp and full of weight, he wished he had his sais so he could stab something with the blunt end. Instead he punched the sewer's brick wall, hardly registering the pain shooting through his fist.

And punched the wall again. And again. And again.

He didn't stop well until his knuckles were bloody and dripping on the floor and the wall had been covered sufficiently in red. And in the brick itself, were cracks. This satisfied him, and he let his arms fall to his sides with a weak smirk. Now, his head clearing, he began to feel the sting and hissed before letting out a string of curses.

"Raph?"

_God, it's me, isn't it?_

"Raph?" The voice repeated. A little more urgently.

He tilted his head up, turning a step to face Donatello. A worried expression had found a home on his brother's face, and Raphael could see his eyes trying to hide the horror he felt from the scene before him.

"Are you…" Donnie didn't move. "Okay?"

_My blood's s'posed to boil, but that doesn't mean yours is s'posed to run down yer wrists. _

Raph stared at Donnie for a moment. A lump had risen in his throat, burning and constricting and preventing him from breathing — and goddammit he couldn't hold it back anymore. He broke. And despite the tears streaming down his cheeks and blurring his vision, he could just make out the bewildered expression on Donnie's face as he rushed forward, only hesitating a moment before pulling Raphael into a tight embrace.

They stood like that, neither knowing exactly how long, for quite a while before Raph's cries had quieted to sniffles he tried to prevent, now feeling the full shame of it mixed with the excruciating pain throbbing in his bruised and scrapped and cut fists.

Raphael then felt Donnie's embrace loosen, and soon was being led to the couch he was left alone on while the other fetched the first aid kit. He soon returned and began working on getting Raph's injuries cleaned and bandaged.

Raphael sat quietly, watching Don while he worked, trying to hold back the scene he had seen himself earlier. But it kept playing over and over… and after the amount of shock it had caused, how could he ever forget it?

"Raph," Donnie pressed in a gentle voice as he finally finished. "What's wrong?"

Raph felt his throat tighten again, constricting him once more. But he wouldn't let it control him again. Fighting it off, he opened his mouth and tried to voice words. But his throat was dry and his thoughts so jumbled he couldn't form a coherent sentence.

"I… Leo…we…he…" His eyes glistened over from the next part. "I s-saw…got so…" A few tears broke free, and he roughly scraped them away.

"Calm down, Raph." Don placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, looking at him intently with concern. "Take your time and try to breathe."

Raphael nodded, gulping in air as he tried to find control. Don led him in a few breathing exercises before he had confidence in trying to speak again. He had to get it out. It was weighing down on his chest; suffocating as it crushed in on his lungs and heart.

"I—I," His voice died and he tried again. "I walked in on Leo… an' he — there was so much blood, Don!" His voice cracked.

Donnie's eyes had widened, but he let Raph continue without interruption.

"He'd—he'd been slashin' himself up. I got so angry… an', I just yelled." He began sobbing again. "Only I wasn't mad. I was so… _terrified_."

Donnie's face paled. "Are you saying… Leo… c_uts himself_?"

Raphael nodded, the image of the bloody scene flashing before him. Leo had been frantic, he hadn't meant for it to go that far he'd said. But Raph had hardly heard him at that point. And now the only thing filling his mind was the pained expression the eldest wore.

Donatello remained silent, face still pale as he let the new information sink in.

"I don't know what to do, Don," Raph croaked. "Leo ran off an' I feel like shit for sayin' what I did, an' he's still bleedin' bad."

Donnie's mouth opened and closed as he visibly fought to get control of his own emotions, and then steeled his expression. "Come on, Raph." He said, standing on wobbly legs. "We'll go to Sensei, and then find him. Then we'll get this mess sorted out."

Raphael sniffed, and then nodded, rubbing his eyes with his bandaged fists.

_We'll fix this, Leo… we'll fix us._


	2. Leo

_It wasn't supposed to happen like that. Believe me, Raph._

Leonardo clenched his eyes shut, a wave of nausea passing through him as he stumbled across the rooftop, feeling lightheaded. The night air didn't do as much for him as he'd hoped; he could still feel the loss of blood despite the decrease in flow, and the uncomfortable constricting strain of it drying to his skin and the wristbands he had hastily thrown back on amidst the chaos.

_Sure, we get into fights. But that's the way it's supposed to be, right? It's gotten to the point where it would feel wrong if it didn't happen. So how could I have expected it to happen so entirely different? _

_Still…_

Tripping over his own feet, Leo braced himself, scrapping up his palms and slipping from the blood covering them. Then letting out a quiet curse, he dropped flat against the rooftop, pressing his forehead to the the cold surface and stifling a sob.

_God, I'm sorry._

He lay there, letting the sounds of the city wash over him. The strangely rhythmic chaos of sounds stilled his erratic breathing, the adrenaline rush fading to reveal the sharpening numb pain shooting from his wrists. And with it came the memory of Raphael, saying how the city at night relaxed him. Even through the thickening haze settling over his senses he knew it hadn't been in a conversation with him, or any of the brothers for that matter.

_Must have been Casey…_

He could remember it now; he had stumbled upon the two during one of his personal night trainings of sorts. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but they and their conversation had caught him off guard. He had never heard Raph talk like that, so open with his feelings, and Leo couldn't help it. He wanted to know his brother.

A sudden heat flashed through him as he remembered the resentment toward Casey in that moment; but it lasted just as long as it did when it originally took place. Seeing his brother, baring parts of his soul to a likeminded individual who understood… it was more than he could say for himself, and he had been filled with gratitude.

Eyelids drooping and muscles relaxing, he let out a sigh. Raph had been right, though. There was nothing like the city at night. And no longer able to keep himself awake, the hypnotic calmness led him to blissful nothingness.

**Thanks for all the kind reviews! They really do mean a lot to me. :) So... if I ****_were _****to expand on this one-shot, continuing where I left off here, do you guys want it to explore all of the brothers' perspectives or just alternate between Raph and Leo? Keep in mind that I honestly don't know where I'd take it... but after publishing the now first part, I felt as if there could be more I could get out of it and I kind of want to (hence sudden inspiration for a ****snippet**** of Leo). What do you think?**


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